QUOTED BY CHUCK SWINDOLL ON HIS "INSIGHT FOR LIVING" BROADCAST 5 JULY 2000
"Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter"
Rule 1: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better
be delivering a package, 'cause you're sure not picking
Rule 2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below
her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's
body, I will remove them.
Rule 3: I'm aware it's considered fashionable for boys of
your age to wear their trousers so loosely they appear to
be falling off their hips. Please don't take this
as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue so I
propose a compromise. You may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants 10 sizes too long. I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do in fact stay
on, I will take my electric nail gun and I will fasten your
trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule 4: I'm sure you have been told that in today's world
utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let
me elaborate when it comes to sex. I am the barrier and
I will kill you.
Rule 5: It is usually understood that in order for us to get
to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues
of the day. Please do not do this. The only information
I want from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back
at my house and the only word I want to hear is "early."
Rule 6: I have no doubt you're a popular fellow with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me
as long as it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl you will continue to date
no one else but her until she is finished with you. If you
make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule 7: As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter
to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should
not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process that takes longer than painting the Golden
Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful like change the oil in my car?
Rule 8: The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or
anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there
are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places
where there is darkness, dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient mood or the ambient temperature is warm
enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff, T-shirts,
or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose-down parka zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic theme are to be avoided.
Movies that feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
Rule 9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues
regarding my daughter, I am the all-knowing merciless god
of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with
whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
acres behind the house. Don't mess with me.
Rule 10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for
me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for
a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When
my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your
car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce
in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face in the window is mine.