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Men vs. Women - 10 Rules for Dating My Daughter

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10 Rules for Dating My Daughter


"Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter"

Rule 1: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, 'cause you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule 2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule 3: I'm aware it's considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue so I propose a compromise. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too long. I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do in fact stay on, I will take my electric nail gun and I will fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule 4: I'm sure you have been told that in today's world sex without
utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate when it comes to sex. I am the barrier and I will kill you.

Rule 5: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I want from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house and the only word I want to hear is "early."

Rule 6: I have no doubt you're a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it's okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl you will continue to date no one else but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule 7: As you stand in my front hallway waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that takes longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful like change the oil in my car?

Rule 8: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness, dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient mood or the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff, T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose-down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic theme are to be avoided. Movies that feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule 9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues regarding my daughter, I am the all-knowing merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Don't mess with me.

Rule 10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.

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